Half Wits

Jon CardwellRecently, I overheard someone use the term “half-cessationist.” I may be wrong but I suspect that is someone who stutters when speaking in tongues.

A preacher is bound to get someone angry at one time or another and not too many years ago a fellow said to me, “If I had half a mind I’d tell you what I think of you.” I guess I wasn’t too gracious that day; without a moment’s hesitation I replied, “That’s okay. You just told me how little you cared about me with absolutely no mind at all.”

[If you’re not Filipino or don’t know anyone from the Philippines, you may not get this one] My mom told me that I was “hap Pilipino” and I asked her, “Which hap? right or lept?”

I ran into an old friend who just graduated from Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky. He said that he was so glad to finally transfer to Southern and attend the predominantly reformed theological institute. I asked him why he left his previous seminary and he told me that he left after what he witnessed during his first quarter finals: he sat next to a student in Theology 101 who pulled out a quarter and began jotting down his answers, yes for heads and no for tails. The student also had a system for multiple choice answers. This student finished his test in no time, but he went through three erasers checking the answers using the same coin. “But that’s not the worst of it,” my friend told me. “The professor pulled a Kennedy half-dollar from his pocket to correct the test.”

This whole Emergent Church and Grunge Christianity thing is getting a little out of hand. I went into a Christian store that advertised half-off of everything in the store. Apparently we are not speaking the same language because half-off to them means attempting to sell me a shirt with the sleeves ripped off. When I told them that I would just pass on that one, they came back immediately to offer me the Rob Bell Expurgated Bible. They call it the RoBEeble. It’s lightweight, low calorie, and inoffensive since the publishers pulled out every reference to hell, judgment, eternal condemnation, and absolute or propositional truth. When the sales clerk pulled it out of its Velvet Elvis Commemorative Carrying Case, they weren’t kidding when they said it was lightweight. I’ve written gospel tracts with more pages than this Bible. Between its two silk-feel, leatherflex covers is one gilt-edged page that reads:

In the even so. Amen.

About Jon J. Cardwell

"The Spirited Speaker" - Pastor of Sovereign Grace Baptist Church in Anniston, Alabama. Nationally recognized speaker and publisher. Author of several books, including the bestseller, Christ and Him Crucified.

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